I need help

I'm a 19 yo girl who have been suffering from bullimia for the last few months.

It's been torturing me....

I can't stop and get out from this illness.

But if you ask me why I still hold out even if it's torturing, my answer will be because it's torturing more when my weight on the scale is rising.

I choose to torture myself when throwing up all those food rathen than see myself getting fat.

I can't.

And I won't.

If I can eat pleasely then lose almost a kg everytime I throw all the food up, why should I stop?

I know it's killing me inside.

I know....

But I just can't stop and let my weight increase.

I feel so low everytime I throw up, yet feel relieved.

I can't tell people about my illness, because honestly I don't want to leave this. I don't want to be cured.